A-okay No More

For more than two decades, I have lived my life the way a fairy tale protagonist would live hers. I was always the obedient child: never had been the cause of my parent’s headache. I finished primary and secondary school with high laurels, got a scholarship in college for a course I hate, and worked for a job I equally hate. No violation record of any sort, no eloping scenes with boyfriends, and certainly no unwanted pregnancies to date. All these I put up with, in the intention of keeping my good image for my parents, my distant relatives, and all other spectators.

If you are a frequent reader, you would have memorized the story of my life by now: that I am a nurse wanting to become a writer. When people ask me why I ended up to where I am despite knowing what I truly want in the first place, my answer was always: “I was forced“, and then they give me a sad poor-you look. Honestly, I was also partly to blame to my fate, because I allowed it to happen: the scholarship, license examinations among other recognition, as concrete evidences of my lack of innocence.

It is certainly true that I am not happy with my job, but I guarantee that I give it my 100% every single duty day. So that when the time comes that I face God and Florence Nightingale in the afterlife, they can’t tell me that I did not do well as a nurse. I could not be blamed as a contributor to the number of names in their Book of Life. In a nutshell, I was and still am, an obedient child.

Being out of school (read: finished, graduated) for almost five years now, I find myself clueless and helpless. I now ultimately know why adulthood is horrible: it places you in the position where no one tells you what to do, and leaves you alone without any concern if you are ready for the transition. I would have given up anything to go back to schooling and to being a child when everything will be done for you or someone will teach you how to do things. All of a sudden, I found myself with bills, responsibilities, unfulfilled dreams, and a blurry future ahead. To cope, I entered the profession I was expected to be in, felt fulfilled twice, mastered my Nursing skills, but unfortunately realized it is not for me so I tried to breakaway. I then went through quarter-life crisis, and claimed to have conquered it. But no, I believe I did more than merely conquered it, it lingered in and through my existence.

I am currently on a long break from work, and although this one has no planned trips, I believe that this is the best break by far. It has surely done me well to be often alone at home, my gamer of a brother who never leaves his room not counted. On this tenth day of my leave, I have evaluated my present life and made concrete plans for my future. I am putting it in writing not to boast, but as a standing reminder for myself.

My new mantra: I am done with pleasing everybody.

With Canada not yet ready for my excellence, I am on my last and final attempt to pursue my nursing career overseas. In a few weeks, I am about to take my second IELTS examination in the academic module for I plan to go to the United Kingdom as a nurse. For this to happen, I need to get a score of nothing lower than 7.0 in all the subtests: Listening, Reading, Writing, and Speaking. A lot of people have told me that this would come easy for me, but I swear that it is not. One more “no-match comment”, and I am going to send somebody to a multiple injury operation.

If in the event that I do not get my target grade, then it’s Goodbye Nursing.

I hold in my heart that this is the result I would love to have: a failing mark, but aside from being born obedient, I am also competitive. I am doing everything in my power to get all-7. I read, write, and practice every single day. I even swallowed my pride and ask coach after coach to correct my writings, which for God’s sake is what I was made for. It is just up to destiny to agree or disagree with this plan.

My finish line is on or before April 25, 2015, exactly four years since my employment. Before, if I get to leave for the UK and on, if not. I mean if I fail to get an all-7, I will still wait for the above date to free myself. By then, I have already repaid my scholarship through my service and I would have enough time to scout for Journalism schools.

I am aware that a lot of people expected me lead the normal life: finish school, stick to one job, and be successful there. I am just tired of following the norm, being faultless, an A-okay person. I want to follow my heart this time. If I fail, then I have only myself to blame. But I don’t care.

I know that Lord Almighty has figured everything out even before I was born; I was just wondering when the happily ever after ending will unfold for me.