These past weeks had not been very pleasant for me: I had unfavorable encounters in my workplace with first, a patient, and then one relative of a patient who both bad-mouthed me. Then last night, to top it all, I had to extend my duty for another eight hours to fill the lack of staff.
I know I made an oath five years back and that everything is part of the job but I can’t help but wonder if these happenings might be God’s way of telling me:
My child, you can now stop
I would not go into the details of both incidents but for the record, there is absolutely nothing I did wrong; the exact words I received from that patient’s daughter were:
Lahat naman gusto mag-abroad, ikaw hindi ka makakapag-abroad. Ang mga nurse na kagaya mo, walang mararating! (Everybody wants to work abroad, you will not work abroad. Nurses like you will never go anywhere!)
For people who know me, I am never emotional. I do not practically care whatever people say about me nor am I affected of sorrow, pain, blood spills, nor death. I have a tough heart that’s why I fit perfectly in the hospital setting. But that night, I thought those words were just TOO harsh. That relative and I merely met for less than an hour, maybe most was two hours, and she spoke of me a way as though she knows me her entire life. And the patient is fine, by the way.
I know that people in the hospital carry heavy burdens, but surely it does not give them the license to hurt other people.
I am one nurse who never answers back especially when the one I am talking to is already mad. I wanted to tell her that not all nurses want to go abroad, some wants to abort this vocation more than anything. And I am proudly part of that “some”.
That night, just like all other times, I just kept mum, listened and absorbed everything but when I was on my way home, I cried while praying.
I asked God if all these sacrifices and heartbreaks are really worth it.
I even asked him to take me away from this profession.
I begged and said please a number of times.
I wouldn’t attribute my tears to just that particular incident: it was an accumulation of frustrating events over the years.
For consistent readers of this blog, I already gave my nursing career a deadline. That deadline is due in two months time. If you do not read often, don’t judge me. I have exerted everything in my power to love this vocation, to be happy, to try my luck overseas, but to no success.
Right now, I actually am giving myself several chances to stay: I opened my door to opportunities in scary-sounding countries just to be able to work overseas. If I be lucky to land in those places still as a nurse, I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know if foreign patients will be as unappreciative as some Filipino patients.
I just need good money to finance my journalism course and I swear I would never greed for more. I don’t care what job, for as long as I get that tuition fee money.
For now, there is no definite route for me after April 2015. My dream of becoming a journalist is crystal clear but the path to it seems very dim.
May the Lord help me.